Come on, skinny love...

So I've migrated over to tumblr for the majority of things, mainly because it lets me place all kinds of multimedia in the entries: cadenza7.tumblr.com

So things are kind of stagnant at the moment. I'm working at Bloomingdale's, which is a nice distraction sometimes. But I'm intensely bored, and while I'm feeling much better all around, the lack of activities lends itself to destructive thoughts and far too much Facebook stalking.

He is officially dating Kendra now, which is great. He waited a whole month. What a class act. I just hope I can deal with it when I get back. I don't know how I'll handle it, to be honest. The entire thing makes me want to vomit.

I just can't wait to be back in Boston. This waiting is killing me. Still eight weeks to go. Jesus.

So I've gone through my first real breakup. Three days before my 21st birthday. So that was awesome. Basically he told me that he doesn't love me anymore, and that we aren't compatible, which I would agree with. It was just done in the worst way, at the worst time, and I feel so stupid for letting him treat me that way for so long. He was inconsiderate, self-centered, and I was never his first priority. I know all this rationally, but I still would give anything to rewind and go back and try and fix things. Try and be better and more patient.

I did learn a lot about myself in these eight months though. And that was a valuable experience. And he did make me feel beautiful, and he did make me more confident.

Basically though, I spent eight months putting every ounce of energy into this relationship, and repressing a lot of depression and anxiety, and not focusing on other important things, mainly my own emotional health. And when he broke up with me I just sort of went into a tailspin, and all of these things came back to bite me in the ass. I'm completely despondent. I don't want to move, I have no appetite, I have no energy to do anything. So the best choice for me right now is to go home, go to therapy, and regroup. I need to get back to a place where my own emotional well-being is number one. I'm not the same person I was even a year ago, and I need to fix that.

I've taken a medical leave of absence for the rest of the semester. My tuition is going to be credited to another semester, so that's good. I'll come back in January and have a clean slate, and hopefully be able to be on my own again without completely falling apart.

I just have to keep reminding myself that I will eventually find someone who will make me a priority and actually care about how I feel and what I want out of a relationship. It's not a lot to ask.

So I got totally shafted for Wild Party, I'm already behind in classes, I never get to see Chris alone, because we're constantly in rehearsals, and I'm back to that place where I feel like none of my friends actually like me and I'm just around because it's convenient.

I think I'm more depressed now than I've ever been before, and I don't know how to fix it. I was trying to sink myself into birthday preparations to distract myself, but that was only a temporary band-aid.

UPDATE: Annie just sat me down on the couch, gave me a beer, and made me feel better with love. ONWARDS.

Well I'm all moved in to Coventry, and the place is lovely and a pretty decent size, so I'm very pleased.

I'm also incredibly pleased to be back in Boston, and I can't wait to start this new year. I really think that I can get back on track. I mean, I have to, in order to keep my scholarship. I also can't wait for Wild Party, and am already freaking out about auditions.

Chris and I are having a bit of a rough patch, to be honest. This past week, since I've been back, has been kind of volatile. I really think that the majority of the problems arise because of the distance between our apartments, which sounds dumb, but it does cause conflict. And I'm being even more sensitive than usual about it, because I essentially feel like when he doesn't want to come over here, it means that he doesn't want to see me or hang out with me. I know it's irrational, but I don't know how to get over it.

I feel like I'm constantly looking in at myself, removed from the situation, and I can see that I'm being ridiculous, but I can't stop myself from feeling inadequate and like he's not happy with me.

Hopefully this week is the end of it, and I can snap out of it and he can make a little bit more of an effort.

So the summer semester is over. It was a bit of a whirlwind near the end, but I moved out and got to spend a lovely week with the boy. It was mainly comprised of ordering food in, sleeping in, watching TV and movies in bed, and erm, other activities. Absolutely lovely.

Leaving yesterday though was a mess and a half. I was crying all day, it was pouring outside, and I did not want to go at all. I will never forget how pitiful I felt standing with him waiting for the cab. I never wanted to leave that spot. I get to the airport and find out my flight is delayed two hours. Then my layover was delayed until one AM. So I was just sitting in various airports, crying intermittently in public, being ridiculous.

I can't even fathom how I'm going to survive without him for two months. We're in as much contact as possible, but the computer he has is a little wonky, and I'm not sure if we'll be able to Skype at all. I already can't bear how much I miss him. Blah. Being a girl sucks.

I'm going to try to find things to do with my time, to distract me until the end of August, but who knows if I'll be able to maintain my sanity. I highly doubt it.

Things are going well, for the most part. I need to tone down the insecurities, and be more sure of how things are going, but this looming date of my return to Florida is making it difficult. WHY DO I HAVE TO GO BACK TO FLORIDA?

I need to find a job that will hire me for only a month and a half? That's pretty much impossible, but if I had money I could fly back for a visit sometime in July. That would make this so much easier.

Money seems to be a constant worry in almost everyone's life lately. I know that as soon as my current credit card statement comes in the mail, there's going to be a shitstorm at home. It's not as if I buy a lot of extraneous crap, it's just food. But I eat a lot. I can't help it. It's going to be a mess though.

I feel...unsettled at the moment. Mainly because I haven't prepared for this move AT ALL. I should probably get on that.

What a lovely and delightful weekend. Chris and I went to Albany on Thursday to go to a memorial concert for a friend of his on our way to the city. I thoroughly impressed his mother, made best friends with his little sister, and held my own with his best friend of eight years.

Oh, we also made things official. Finally. We were laying in bed, talking, around three thirty in the morning. And the subject inevitably came up of our six week separation this summer. Basically that had been the main thing keeping him from taking this to the next level, and I just told him it was going to suck either way, and he could fight it all he wanted, but he was basically my boyfriend anyways, so I wasn't going to harp on the title.

So in the most bizarre, adorable, and perfect way for us to finally do this, the boy just matter of fact got up, got on the computer, and requested my approval for our relationship on facebook. And while it may not be the most romantic thing in the world, it is just so us. And I couldn't be happier.

The rest of the weekend was spent in NYC/White Plains at Pam's house. We saw the revival of Guys and Dolls, which was cute, bummed around the city, and beached it up. There was copious amounts of PDA and sappiness, and I'm pretty sure no one ever wants to hang out with us again.

And the lovely thing is the normalcy we already have. And the fact that he isn't at all afraid, now that we've taken the plunge, to talk about the future. Because technically this has been going on for six months, and these things keep coming up. We're trying to figure out a way to get him down to FL in July, just so there's a visit somewhere in that long absence. Hopefully it works out. Because I know the family is going to love him. He already spoke on the phone with my mom, which was weird and adorable, but apparently went well.

I can't wait to see where we go from here.

Hi my name is Jess Mitchell and I make poor decisions.

But I really can't stay away from him. And when I'm with him I'm utterly and blissfully happy.

And I know that there is no title, and probably won't be one for a long time.

But at this point, as long as he's in this bizarre place with me, I'm happy.

And we have this chemistry that is absolutely palpable. He gives me these looks that make me short of breath and dizzy. And when I'm not around him my chest aches.

So yes, I'm dependent, and in over my head, and probably just putting myself in a position to get hurt again, but despite all that, I can't stop grinning.

I'm in the mood for a one-liner entry. Maybe because Jess did it? WHO KNOWS.

-Things are getting better all around.
-There's a new puppy at home. An adorable little girl named Riley. I can't wait to meet her.
-One day of classes left. THANK GOD. and then this horrendous semester will be over.
-I'm addicted to the Next to Normal soundtrack. And this song also by Tom Kitt called Perfect.
-I'm out of junk food. A Wollaston's run is imminent.
-Because I have SO MUCH WORK to finish this weekend. Impossible without junk food.
-Full run tonight. First dress rehearsal. I'm beyond excited.
-I love doing the creepy eyes in Side by Side. It's ridiculously fun.
-I have no roommate in the double this summer. This is glorious.
-But it's kind of a waste because I have no one to take advantage of it with me.
-Yikes. No more of that self-pitying stuff. NOPE.
-I think everything that can be hashed out and said between us has been said. Hopefully.
-But I still have ridiculous dreams about him all the time. Blergh.

But everything is trumped by how excited I am about hell week. I won't have any classes to worry about, so it will be total immersion with this cast that I am in love with. The girls totally bonded last week at Springfest, and we're continuing this weekend with dinner one night and a "classy" boxed wine night the next. It will be magical.

Easter will be spent alone in Boston, doing all the work I procrastinated on these past couple weeks. The only thing I'm really bummed about is that I'll miss a wonderful home cooked meal. But it is necessary in order for me to pass. So there you go.

And then it's SUMMER. And it's in the 60's today! And I can bust out the summer dresses and walk around in Boston when it's beautiful and be merry.

Apparently I was too happy for too long, so the universe decided to dump everything horrible on me in the span of two weeks.

I was dumped. And now I get to see him every day at rehearsals where we pretend to still be friends.

My dog died. Two days after I got back to Boston.

My spring break was terrible. Save for a few moments where I got to leave the house and see my friends.

There was a huge family crisis while I was home.

I'm so behind in everything because my theory professor freaking loves composition assignments and I HATE THEM and they take me hours to finish every night.

And I just started birth control again so I'm fucking mood swing central. And you know what sucks even more than just feeling like shit? Feeling fantastic for about an hour and then crashing back down into a fucking never ending gloom.

WONDERFUL.


and it's only compounded by the fact that no matter how much he infuriates me, or how stupid he acts, or how many times I tell myself he's over it, it's not going to happen for the two of us, he's not even my freaking type and I could do so much better...I'm still pathetically head over heels for him.

which is boggling my mind because I'm usually fantastic at just turning feelings off. I just. Don't like the person anymore. But I can't do that with Chris. I want to hate him. Hate would be such a welcome emotion right now. But even when he's acting like a complete and total asshole I can't even summon up anything angry. Just this overwhelming devotion.

It's fucking disgusting. And I'm sick of being so stupid and blind to the situation.

Because the absolute worst part is that I still have this moronic shred of hope that he'll change his mind and want to be with me again.

And I can't make that go away. No matter how untrue I know it to be.

I've missed writing. I have this rambling that I wrote while sick this weekend. It makes very little sense. It's in a weird second-person narrative. Sort of fiction, sort of not. It's also horrendously cheesy and sappy, because I'm in that sort of mood. Disclaimer over.



It started quietly, secretly. It snuck up on you one night, seeing his face for the first time in about a fortnight. You like that it was that long exactly, because you can think 'what a fortnight it's been', and pretend you're sophisticated and mysterious.

The elevator doors open and he steps out almost instantaneously, his movements fluid and his voice warm, and he's talking about something boyish and ridiculous, fantasy football or something equally irrelevant, and all you can think is how much you've missed his eyes, how he towers over you, the way he puts his hands on that particular spot on your lower back when you basically leap into his arms.

And then you're bright red because that was a little exuberant for someone who is just your friend, of course, you just get along really well, you never even thought of him in that way, what are you talking about? Your previous denials sound overly cheery and laughably transparent, and you back away from him quickly, and his smile is bright and you can feel it throbbing in your fingertips, fluttering in your stomach, and it's making your knees buckle a little.

Time passes, and it's become shockingly evident that you are completely infatuated with this boy. You're not discreet, your eyes are twinkling embarrassingly, and soon everyone is giving you that look, you know the one, 'oh aren't you adorable and obvious', and you're almost constantly blushing as a result.

He knows. You know he knows. He's the one giving you that look the most, and you know you're returning it with a look that is two parts adoration, one part yearning, one part wistful teenager doe eyes. And so, because you have never been able to keep secrets, you blurt everything you're feeling out in one ridiculous combination of giddiness and shocking vulnerability that would send any normal boy running for the hills. You're prepared for this, and you're steeling yourself for that typical response, the 'I just don't think of you that way', the pitying voice and the consolatory hand on your shoulder.

Your eyes are shut ridiculously tight, and your hands are balled into fists, and there's no doubt in your mind that you look like a little girl hiding from the school bully. And then, miraculously, his hands are on your cheeks, and he's chuckling a little at the look on your face. And his eyes are locked onto yours, and he's leaning in with this quiet determination and oh, how you love the look on his face.

You have always loved that delicious moment just before a kiss, where everything is hanging in the small space between your lips, and that glorious anticipation, that itching to just close the gap and never back away, and you wish it would end immediately and last forever at the same time...

And the kiss is chaste and brief, and his hand is on your lower back, and his eyes are still boring into yours. You feel like he knows every wish you made as you blew out your birthday candles, every dirty thought you couldn't quell in the middle of a class, every white lie you told your mother in high school, every secret whispered into someone else's ear.

And you know that you're moonstruck. And you kiss him again.

So I'm in a remarkably good place right now.

Company rehearsals, so far, are amazing. I love our cast, and our c-team, and the show, and just yay.

Classes are good. I'm getting a little behind due to procrastination, but nothing cramming can't fix.

There's a new romantic interest. And things are easy and fun and for the first time in a long time I'm optimistic about how this will turn out.

I have fantastic friends who support me and listen to my obsessing and my gushing over aforementioned boy.

And lots of fun things are coming up! The most exciting being the Snowball, in which we dress up and eat fancy food and drink and dance the night away!

SO yes. I'm pretty fantastic.

I am cast in Company, which is lucky for my sanity, because SO MANY people got cut. It's a great cast and I know we're all going to be super tight, and I cannot wait to start!

Being back in Boston is also great for my sanity, because hello, I've missed these people so much. And it helped make some decisions easier for me and just. yes. I love this place. Despite the fact that it is SO COLD as of late. It was about 12 degrees last night. And I had to walk outside, because, due to my unofficial New Year's Resolution, I am being more adventurous and outgoing. We went to a hockey game, and you know, it was actually pretty entertaining. Except I squeak and squeal like nobody should at a hockey game, and I basically sound like a frightened old woman. But hey. That shiz is violent.

Matt is back for the weekend, which is amazing, because I've actually missed the crap out of him. However, this means that there will be copious amounts of drinking this weekend, and I am already nursing a hangover this morning that will only be compounded by the heavier drinking tonight. Ah, college.

Tonight I have two goals: keep my mouth shut about a certain someone, and tone down the shameless flirting with same certain someone. Stealing other girl's boyfriends is not a thing to aspire to or repeat. Word of advice.

NYE was magical and boozy and I had a wonderful time. Jaimie's house and her parents' redneck friends never fail to disappoint, and Natalie, Chris, and Evan all showed up, so it was a funny sort of mini-reunion.

I'm being killed by my allergies at the moment, and that coupled with another death in the family, means I'm going to be staying in for the remainder of my break. My great uncle passed away, but it was from a long battle with lung cancer, so it's not really a shock to anyone in the family. My mother, in her usual way of dealing with grief, is just throwing herself into the preparations and is flying up on Saturday, so I'm going to just spend as much time with her as possible, especially since I probably won't be home again until March.

I'm in kind of a weird place right now. I miss the crap out of Boston, and my friends up there, and my apartment, and I can't wait to start classes. But winter break always throws me out of balance because I get used to being here for such a long period of time. I want to start something down here, but I'm not sure how it's going to work out with a thousand miles in between us. We'll see, I guess.

One thing I am definitely not looking forward to is my schedule next semester. Class wise, I'm thrilled. I tested out of the majority of my intro classes, and I'm finishing up the rest of the normal first year curriculum next semester, so it will be a lovely, leisurely introduction. I have Music Theory II, Music Literature and Licensing, Music Industry I, and my last math requirement. BUT. I have an eight AM class EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK. Shoot me in the face now, please? Spring 2009 will be the semester of the zombie.

I'm so so so thrilled to be going back home though. So many wonderfully exciting things are coming up, not the least of which are the Company auditions, which I actually feel rather prepared for. Go me! I do need to find a job though, and I need to find one soon. I know that I'm going to run out of money within a month or so, and I really need to start spending less and saving more. My credit card bills have been astronomically high, for me at least, and that trend is going to stop immediately.

Oh, I really have no New Year's resolutions....I guess at least a 3.5 next semester, and that's about it? I feel pretty happy with the person I've slowly become over these past couple years. Even the scrawniness doesn't bother me anymore! Much.

Thanksgiving Break was lovely, very relaxing. However, we did find out my great grandmother died Thanksgiving Day. It wasn't very shocking, as she was 99...I think the only person who took it really hard was my grandfather, for obvious reasons. All of us kids haven't seen her in years, because she refused to leave Missouri for any holidays. It's just odd to think that I'm getting to that point in my life where a lot of my family members are going to be passing away. That sounds strange, but for the majority of my life I had four great grandparents living, and two have passed away in the past three years. I really need to find time next semester to go down to Pennsylvania and see my great grandparents. I think their 75th wedding anniversary is coming up, so hopefully we'll all be there for that.

Today I changed my major officially to Music Industry. And I cannot even express how excited I am. I feel like, for the past year and a half, I've been trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. I'm good at one thing, and that is music. Not specifically as a musician, but understanding and appreciating and analyzing music, that is my forte (pardon the pun). I'm tired of doing what I think is sensible, and I'm going to just start doing what is right for me. And I cannot wait to start these classes. Next semester is going to be fairly generic, as I have to catch up on a bunch of prerequisites, but the program here is fantastic and so varied. I can study everything from licensing to production, and I am already lusting after the co-op the school has with the Boston Symphony. So the future looks bright again.

Just 15 days until Winter Break, which is fantastic, because this semester has been hellish, and I can't wait to start fresh next year.

For once I'm being brave and I have confidence in myself, and things are coming together. I love my friends, and we're definitely doing Company next semester, and I've decided to start playing seriously again, and I'm looking forward to getting back to something I love. And right now, I couldn't be more content with the fantastic things on the horizon.

So in my week of absolute hellish sickness, I watched everything on my tivo, reached the end of the internet, and was too lazy to work on schoolwork, so I ended up reading basically everyone of my old LJ entries.

I was quite possibly the most melodramatic, flighty, boy crazy teenager alive. I'm scared of myself in the ninth and tenth grades particularly. It just makes me giggle to see how concerned I was with such inconsequential, ridiculous things. Although I suppose everyone goes through that stereotypical obnoxious teenager phase. It was just a little surreal to have it all documented and be able to virtually relive high school.

That, in turn, got me all nostalgic for those halcyon days of yore. As cliche as it is, things were so SIMPLE then. I didn't have to worry about anything tangible or immediate, like co-ops or if I'm in the right major or the right school for that matter.

It also made me miss the people who got me through high school. I realize now that I had a fantastic group of friends. Much better than most people could even hope for. And it saddens me to know that I only keep in touch with Caroline, Jaimie, Gianna, and Jen. I need to find better ways to budget my time when I'm home so I can see more people. I also need to be more proactive in planning such reunions.

I also have resolved to update more. It was a beautiful and sweet thing to be able to just read all these silly girlish emotions and thoughts and goings-on. It revitalized me, to be honest. I've been in such a slump lately, and to read how hopeful and ambitious I was about everything-it was a lovely wake-up call. So, in other words, I need to update more for posterity's sake, if nothing else.

So at least once a week, I'm thinking. It's not that it's a chore to update, it just is last on my list of priorities. Well. I'm bumping it up.

I got my second tattoo about two weeks ago. I've been holding off on posting any pictures anywhere, mainly because it was healing and looked rather shoddy at one point. But here you go, for posterity's sake:





Ignore my ridiculous Stegosaurus spine. I was bending weirdly I think. But yes, I love it to bits.

I've also recently registered for Spring classes. It worked out rather wonderfully, with only Monday/Wednesday/Thursday classes, and no morning classes at all really. I start the day with International Conflict and Negotiation at 11:45. If there's one thing I've learned at school, it's that I don't retain information early in the morning.

The rest of my classes are really just filling random bits in the NU core, but they'll transfer easily if I do decide to go that route next year. Film Music fills that Arts and Humanities requirement I never got around to, followed by my second level math class, after which I end the day with my upper level elective requirement, The Modern Novel. So I'm back to back classes from 11:45 AM to 5:40 PM, but that's just the way I like it. So now all I have to do is finish the waking nightmare this semester has become.

I absolutely cannot wait to be nursed back to health by Thanksgiving Break. Nothing cures what ails me like ten days of worry free relaxation. And seeing my dog and family and friends. I'm so glad I finagled a way to leave this Thursday. It's going to be a delicious retreat. I miss home quite a lot, and I wouldn't mind hitting up Disney. I need some manufactured happiness and sanitized fun right about now.

Yikes. That was a novel. But in a year or so I'll read it and smile. And that's all the impetus I need.

"This is our moment. This is our time."

Hell yes. I feel hopeful and proud and all of those cliche emotions at once and I heard the news from Jon Stewart ("Barack Obama is the next president of the United States") and I cried when Obama spoke and Cindy McCain always wears chartreuse and FLORIDA WAS A BLUE STATE and I never have to see Sarah Palin's face again and Oprah cried with me and YES WE CAN and I am voting when I'm 106 years old and what a night.

I cannot believe October is almost over. This semester is whizzing by, and I am loving it. Footloose is sort of a non-issue at this point, as I only have to go to rehearsals once a week, tops, and the new kids are just fitting right in. I'm balancing perfectly between school, relaxing, and friends, and so far my grades have been adequate, if not perfect. But the end of the semester is always my crunch time, when I can just get in the zone and eek out the grades I want.

Melissa was here this past weekend, and it was fantastic. We saw Jon Stewart live, which was quite possibly the hardest I've ever laughed. We roamed all over Boston, and I think she's pretty set on coming here for school, which would be amazing for her. And for me, because I miss the crap out of her.

The only problem at this point, I guess, are my roommates. Jasmine, the girl who lives in my double, is wonderful and we get along famously, but the girls in the other double in the apartment, are well, the opposite of that. They're the typical flighty sorority girls, and I cannot STAND THEM. They're horribly messy, their dishes are overflowing from the sink constantly, they leave clumps of their hair in the shower drain, and Friday night they had a huge party in our tiny apartment that didn't begin until midnight. While my little sister was here. It was absolutely the most inconsiderate thing they could possibly have done. Jasmine and I are going to sit them down and try to work things out, but if things continue on in this manner, I'm pretty sure I'm going to request a room change for next semester.

I cannot wait for Thanksgiving break, I really just need a week or so to relax completely and not have to worry about schedules and rehearsals and tip-toeing around my own apartment. Because of my fantastic schedule this semester, I am able to go home for ten days! It's a legitimate vacation, and I cannot be more excited to see my girls and my dog and yes, even my family. And being the laziest human being alive, I cannot wait to have my mother make meals for me again. I am so SICK of frozen dinners and chicken skillet meals.

Important Upcoming Dates:
10/22: Jess Levasseur is 21!? HOLY CRAP.
10/23-26: Caroline is visiting!
10/31: Halloweeeen! Possibly going to URI with Rhiannon.
11/7-8: Husky Hunt
11/15: Cast Slumber Party
11/20-30: Home for Thanksgiving!

So Bonefish is going well. I just got $100 in tips for the first three nights, and I still get my paycheck, so that's good enough for me. I'm coordinating on July 4 though, so that's going to be hectic as all get out.

Downside though, is the lack of time I have on my hands. I haven't seen anyone in about two weeks, which sucks. But I need to save up to pay for my housing next semester. So it goes.

The first thing I'm using this money on: I'm finally dyeing my hair. For real. Not with a box, because that shiv never works on my hair. I've wanted to be a redhead for god knows how long, so I'm excited.

So far, summer has been very slow. I work now, but it still feels very lazy. As a whole, you know? I just feel like I'm coasting along. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but nonetheless. It's a little unsettling. I feel like I should be doing something more with my time.