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just last the year.

Jessica

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December 21st, 2009

1. Was 2009 a good year for you?
It definitely was the most tumultuous, but overall I would have to say it was definitely a good year. I grew more than I ever have before.

2. What was your favorite moment of the year?
Oh my. Well I'm going to have to say two, just not to hinge everything on memories of Chris. The first would be that airport reunion. I don't think I've ever been so happy. Second would have to be closing night of Company, and that sense of love and camaraderie we all had.

3. What was your least favorite moment of the year?
The majority of the birthday week.

4. Where were you when 2009 began?
As usual, I was with the girls minus Gianna at Jaimie's. As usual, the memories are a bit fuzzy. :)

5. Who were you with?
See above.

6. Where will you be when 2009 ends?
As usual, at Jaim's. Can't wait!

7. Who will you be with when 2009 ends?
Hopefully we'll be adding Gianna to the mix this year!

8. Did you keep your new years resolution of 2009?
I really don't think I made one.

9. Do you have a new years resolution for 2010?
Stay strong and independent. Don't return to old habits. Stay confident.

10. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Yes.

11. If yes, with who?
Christopher.

12. If yes, do they know?
Oh yes.

13. Are you still in love with them?
No, thank goodness. But to be honest, I never really truly get over people. But I'm not in love with him, no.

14. You regret it?
Well I'm not entirely sure yet. I think that the experience overall has helped me grow as a person, but the pain it caused me really ruined my year overall. I'm still unsure.

15. Did you breakup with anyone in 2009?
I did not do the dumping.

16. Did you make any new friends in 2009?
Oh lord yes. That's the way with TGDubs. Thousands of new kids to love every year.

17. Who are your favorite new friends?
Well I'd have to say Katie McK, Jen, and Benj.

18. What was your favorite month of 2009?
April and May were pretty great. I had Company, new romance butterflies, and little responsibility.

19. Did you travel outside of your country in 2009?
Montreal trip in June with the girls!

20. How many different states did you travel to in 2009?
Ummm. Not really sure. A lot?

21. Did you lose anybody close to you in 2009?
My great aunt just recently passed.

22. Did you miss anybody in the past year?
At different locations and times it varied wildly.

23. What was your favourite movie that you saw in 2009?
So, so many. I would have to say Pirate Radio, 500 Days of Summer, I Love You Man, Adventureland, Half Blood Prince, and I'm preemptively including Nine, which I will be seeing in three days.

24. What was your favourite song from 2009?
Oh goodness. I'll just go with most listened to artists, I think. I overdid it on the Rilo Kiley, as well as Jason Mraz, Ra Ra Riot, Sara Bareilles, the Glee soundtracks, Death Cab, and A Fine Frenzy.

25. What was your favourite record from 2009?
My favorites include the new Phoenix CD, the new Fine Frenzy CD, the new Mraz CD. Lord I'm repetitive. Nothing really grabbed me in the arena of new music this year.

26. How many concerts did you see in 2009?
I only saw shows, haha.

27. Did you have a favorite concert in 2009?
n/a

28. Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2009?
Well I turned 21, so hell yes.

29. Did you do a lot of drugs in 2009?
Compared to my previous 20 years, yes.

30. How many people did you sleep with in 2009?
One.

31. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
All the classes I fucked throughout the year, being too dependent on Chris, leaving behind some friends because of said dependence.

33. What was the worst lie someone told you in 2009?
Oh my. Well, having someone tell you they love you and not mean it is a pretty harrowing experience.

34. Did you treat somebody badly in 2009?
Probably. But I'm trying not to dwell on the person I was too much. I'm RENEWED.

35. Did somebody treat you badly in 2009?
Probably the worst I've ever been treated by an individual.

36. How much money did you spend in 2009?
Oh lord. Supporting two people for six months gets expensive, let me tell you.

37. What was your proudest moment of 2009?
It was a pretty dismal year overall. But I think that regaining some of my confidence and independence recently has been a pretty proud moment for me.

38. What was your most embarrassing moment of 2009?
Well. Probably Chris's birthday party. being left alone crying in his hallway. Yikes, this is not a fun survey right now.

39. If you could go back in time to any moment of 2009 and change something, what would it be?
Well, if I were being completely honest, I wish I had never had that conversation with Chris that changed everything. But in the long run, I learned a lot about myself from this whole experience, and I'm already starting to be grateful for that on it's own.

40. What are your plans for 2010?
Along with the personal resolutions, I'm going to get my academic career back on track. I'm going to not let casting and TGWW pettiness get me down. I'm going to start studying for the LSATs. I'm going to be kinder and a better friend. And I'm going to be more comfortable in my own skin.

November 17th, 2009

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So I've migrated over to tumblr for the majority of things, mainly because it lets me place all kinds of multimedia in the entries: cadenza7.tumblr.com

So things are kind of stagnant at the moment. I'm working at Bloomingdale's, which is a nice distraction sometimes. But I'm intensely bored, and while I'm feeling much better all around, the lack of activities lends itself to destructive thoughts and far too much Facebook stalking.

He is officially dating Kendra now, which is great. He waited a whole month. What a class act. I just hope I can deal with it when I get back. I don't know how I'll handle it, to be honest. The entire thing makes me want to vomit.

I just can't wait to be back in Boston. This waiting is killing me. Still eight weeks to go. Jesus.

October 8th, 2009

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So I've gone through my first real breakup. Three days before my 21st birthday. So that was awesome. Basically he told me that he doesn't love me anymore, and that we aren't compatible, which I would agree with. It was just done in the worst way, at the worst time, and I feel so stupid for letting him treat me that way for so long. He was inconsiderate, self-centered, and I was never his first priority. I know all this rationally, but I still would give anything to rewind and go back and try and fix things. Try and be better and more patient.

I did learn a lot about myself in these eight months though. And that was a valuable experience. And he did make me feel beautiful, and he did make me more confident.

Basically though, I spent eight months putting every ounce of energy into this relationship, and repressing a lot of depression and anxiety, and not focusing on other important things, mainly my own emotional health. And when he broke up with me I just sort of went into a tailspin, and all of these things came back to bite me in the ass. I'm completely despondent. I don't want to move, I have no appetite, I have no energy to do anything. So the best choice for me right now is to go home, go to therapy, and regroup. I need to get back to a place where my own emotional well-being is number one. I'm not the same person I was even a year ago, and I need to fix that.

I've taken a medical leave of absence for the rest of the semester. My tuition is going to be credited to another semester, so that's good. I'll come back in January and have a clean slate, and hopefully be able to be on my own again without completely falling apart.

I just have to keep reminding myself that I will eventually find someone who will make me a priority and actually care about how I feel and what I want out of a relationship. It's not a lot to ask.

September 30th, 2009

This is a new low.

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So I got totally shafted for Wild Party, I'm already behind in classes, I never get to see Chris alone, because we're constantly in rehearsals, and I'm back to that place where I feel like none of my friends actually like me and I'm just around because it's convenient.

I think I'm more depressed now than I've ever been before, and I don't know how to fix it. I was trying to sink myself into birthday preparations to distract myself, but that was only a temporary band-aid.

UPDATE: Annie just sat me down on the couch, gave me a beer, and made me feel better with love. ONWARDS.

September 1st, 2009

Home sweet home.

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Well I'm all moved in to Coventry, and the place is lovely and a pretty decent size, so I'm very pleased.

I'm also incredibly pleased to be back in Boston, and I can't wait to start this new year. I really think that I can get back on track. I mean, I have to, in order to keep my scholarship. I also can't wait for Wild Party, and am already freaking out about auditions.

Chris and I are having a bit of a rough patch, to be honest. This past week, since I've been back, has been kind of volatile. I really think that the majority of the problems arise because of the distance between our apartments, which sounds dumb, but it does cause conflict. And I'm being even more sensitive than usual about it, because I essentially feel like when he doesn't want to come over here, it means that he doesn't want to see me or hang out with me. I know it's irrational, but I don't know how to get over it.

I feel like I'm constantly looking in at myself, removed from the situation, and I can see that I'm being ridiculous, but I can't stop myself from feeling inadequate and like he's not happy with me.

Hopefully this week is the end of it, and I can snap out of it and he can make a little bit more of an effort.

July 2nd, 2009

Mow mow mow.

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So the summer semester is over. It was a bit of a whirlwind near the end, but I moved out and got to spend a lovely week with the boy. It was mainly comprised of ordering food in, sleeping in, watching TV and movies in bed, and erm, other activities. Absolutely lovely.

Leaving yesterday though was a mess and a half. I was crying all day, it was pouring outside, and I did not want to go at all. I will never forget how pitiful I felt standing with him waiting for the cab. I never wanted to leave that spot. I get to the airport and find out my flight is delayed two hours. Then my layover was delayed until one AM. So I was just sitting in various airports, crying intermittently in public, being ridiculous.

I can't even fathom how I'm going to survive without him for two months. We're in as much contact as possible, but the computer he has is a little wonky, and I'm not sure if we'll be able to Skype at all. I already can't bear how much I miss him. Blah. Being a girl sucks.

I'm going to try to find things to do with my time, to distract me until the end of August, but who knows if I'll be able to maintain my sanity. I highly doubt it.

June 16th, 2009

I know my own crazy.

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Things are going well, for the most part. I need to tone down the insecurities, and be more sure of how things are going, but this looming date of my return to Florida is making it difficult. WHY DO I HAVE TO GO BACK TO FLORIDA?

I need to find a job that will hire me for only a month and a half? That's pretty much impossible, but if I had money I could fly back for a visit sometime in July. That would make this so much easier.

Money seems to be a constant worry in almost everyone's life lately. I know that as soon as my current credit card statement comes in the mail, there's going to be a shitstorm at home. It's not as if I buy a lot of extraneous crap, it's just food. But I eat a lot. I can't help it. It's going to be a mess though.

I feel...unsettled at the moment. Mainly because I haven't prepared for this move AT ALL. I should probably get on that.

June 1st, 2009

Be cuter.

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What a lovely and delightful weekend. Chris and I went to Albany on Thursday to go to a memorial concert for a friend of his on our way to the city. I thoroughly impressed his mother, made best friends with his little sister, and held my own with his best friend of eight years.

Oh, we also made things official. Finally. We were laying in bed, talking, around three thirty in the morning. And the subject inevitably came up of our six week separation this summer. Basically that had been the main thing keeping him from taking this to the next level, and I just told him it was going to suck either way, and he could fight it all he wanted, but he was basically my boyfriend anyways, so I wasn't going to harp on the title.

So in the most bizarre, adorable, and perfect way for us to finally do this, the boy just matter of fact got up, got on the computer, and requested my approval for our relationship on facebook. And while it may not be the most romantic thing in the world, it is just so us. And I couldn't be happier.

The rest of the weekend was spent in NYC/White Plains at Pam's house. We saw the revival of Guys and Dolls, which was cute, bummed around the city, and beached it up. There was copious amounts of PDA and sappiness, and I'm pretty sure no one ever wants to hang out with us again.

And the lovely thing is the normalcy we already have. And the fact that he isn't at all afraid, now that we've taken the plunge, to talk about the future. Because technically this has been going on for six months, and these things keep coming up. We're trying to figure out a way to get him down to FL in July, just so there's a visit somewhere in that long absence. Hopefully it works out. Because I know the family is going to love him. He already spoke on the phone with my mom, which was weird and adorable, but apparently went well.

I can't wait to see where we go from here.

April 21st, 2009

Uh oh.

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Hi my name is Jess Mitchell and I make poor decisions.

But I really can't stay away from him. And when I'm with him I'm utterly and blissfully happy.

And I know that there is no title, and probably won't be one for a long time.

But at this point, as long as he's in this bizarre place with me, I'm happy.

And we have this chemistry that is absolutely palpable. He gives me these looks that make me short of breath and dizzy. And when I'm not around him my chest aches.

So yes, I'm dependent, and in over my head, and probably just putting myself in a position to get hurt again, but despite all that, I can't stop grinning.

April 9th, 2009

We'll live, you'll see.

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I'm in the mood for a one-liner entry. Maybe because Jess did it? WHO KNOWS.

-Things are getting better all around.
-There's a new puppy at home. An adorable little girl named Riley. I can't wait to meet her.
-One day of classes left. THANK GOD. and then this horrendous semester will be over.
-I'm addicted to the Next to Normal soundtrack. And this song also by Tom Kitt called Perfect.
-I'm out of junk food. A Wollaston's run is imminent.
-Because I have SO MUCH WORK to finish this weekend. Impossible without junk food.
-Full run tonight. First dress rehearsal. I'm beyond excited.
-I love doing the creepy eyes in Side by Side. It's ridiculously fun.
-I have no roommate in the double this summer. This is glorious.
-But it's kind of a waste because I have no one to take advantage of it with me.
-Yikes. No more of that self-pitying stuff. NOPE.
-I think everything that can be hashed out and said between us has been said. Hopefully.
-But I still have ridiculous dreams about him all the time. Blergh.

But everything is trumped by how excited I am about hell week. I won't have any classes to worry about, so it will be total immersion with this cast that I am in love with. The girls totally bonded last week at Springfest, and we're continuing this weekend with dinner one night and a "classy" boxed wine night the next. It will be magical.

Easter will be spent alone in Boston, doing all the work I procrastinated on these past couple weeks. The only thing I'm really bummed about is that I'll miss a wonderful home cooked meal. But it is necessary in order for me to pass. So there you go.

And then it's SUMMER. And it's in the 60's today! And I can bust out the summer dresses and walk around in Boston when it's beautiful and be merry.
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